Venting my depression

I KNOW NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO FIND AND READ THIS. BUT IN CASE SOME SOUL WANDERS IN THIS DIRECTION, PLEASE TRY, TRY, TRY TO UNDERSTAND. DON'T JUDGE. I'M JUST... IN A DOWNCAST MOOD. REALLY.

The optimistic, I-know-everything's-gonna-be-alright side of me

Today I received the result of my Math midsummer exam. Its equivalent grade was by far the worst grade I ever received since I entered college. Yes, I felt crestfallen and all but I know this is not the end of me. It's totally fine with me. What matters really is that I didn't fail the subject. Also, I got my own theories on why I ended up getting such low grade and I know everything boils down to my complacency. I started taking my summer classes for granted that I fail to perform anymore at par to what I normally can do. This is just probably a wake-up call for me. For me to not settle for low. With this, I'm promising myself that I'll do better next time. I know I can do this. Carry on! :)

The bitter, I-f*cking-hate-my-life side of me

Today I received the result of my Math midsummer exam. What the f*ck! F*ck that subject! F*ck everything! Not getting a grade of A or A- is SO NOT ME! And to think I'm getting this rubbish grade on a summer class? I'm just so hating myself for it. I've been working my ass off for the last 2 years (plus one summer period) and I've proven to almost everyone that I'm definitely someone to watch out for. In my academics life, I'd like to think of myself as the SILENT KILLER, the competitive one who is silently doing his thing out of everyone's sight. I'm the one whom everyone would think as just another brown, promdi guy who isn't capable of doing great. But for the last 4 semesters, I've been successful of proving those clueless people wrong. But now, at this very moment, I'm overly frustrated with myself. I know I can do better. I know I can do excellent. But f*ck this whole summer class!!! Even my grades in my other two subjects BCA and BA... I don't know! I don't blame the teachers of course. It's all my fault for not performing outstandingly. At this point, I feel like I'm going downhill. F*CK! F*CK! Downhill isn't supposed to be my direction. It IS NOT my direction. And for someone so competitive as myself, this is like a serious blow. I've been on top in high school and elementary and I know better than anyone else that the hardest part of being on the pinnacle is maintaining being on that spot--fighting ferociously for that spot. Consistency indeed equals survival. It's just so hard to see people get ahead of you while you can't even track your own performance improvement because you're already on top and people think of you as the standards. The downside of being an achiever. F*ck! Dammit!! I hate being the benchmark! Can I just be an ordinary student who worries about nothing? F*CK! But STANDARD is what I've become and I have no choice. And now, I'm exceedingly disappointed with myself for not being able to do good. For not being able to show myself and people my worth. 

Isn't it obvious? I am DEPRESSED. F*ck!

(Unedited)