Dear crush

Dear crush,

I know this may sound a little creepy but I want you to know that in that very first moment I laid eyes on you—in that gymnasium filled with people hungry to lord over the sportsfest— I instantaneously, undeniably, seriously had this huge crush on you.

It all started in our company sporsfest. It was my first company sportsfest and for the un-athletic person that I am, I wasn’t totally thrilled about the games. Not that I’ve completely scratched “sports” off my vocabulary—it’s just that, I know there are a lot out there who are much better than me in sports. So in my end, why the need to work up myself too much?

We were on the same team. Green—oh, how  I loved green since then (other teams were Violet, Yellow, Red, and Blue). I came a little late in the venue (University of Makati Gymnasium) because the storm outside kept on hammering which added more hassle to the commute. I crabbily headed to the gymnasium.

As I made my way inside the gymnasium, I tried to to scan through the crowd for people who were wearing green T-shirts. It didn’t take me long to spot our team flocking in one corner of the gymn. And as I came nearer, I realized they were already practicing for our chant. So I just tried to fit myself in, and cheered along as much as I can.  

And then I saw you. Sitting on the bench. In green Deloitte T-shirt.  All nerdy and dorky and slim. You were inflating one of those green balloons for our props. And  for a nanosecond, the universe just seemed to stop. 

Here’s the thing: I’m pretty sure we all had the same design of the shirts, but I swear no one could have worn that Deloitte shirt better than you. In my eyes, you just stood out. Partly because it was the first time I saw your face then (I later on learned that you belong in another department which explains the unfamiliarity that surprised me), and partly because you simply looked… amazing. You didn’t look athletic at all in that shirt, because if anything, you rather look as feeble and clumsy and lame as I am in sports. I don’t know why, but you just looked especially amazing in my eyes then.

I tried to steal glances of you throughout the games. And in those fleeting moments, I slowly examined and familiarized the physical features that make you up. Your soft hair, your crooked smile, your small face, your eyes… your eyes that are just so sincere and soulful and kind. I was glad you didn’t catch me staring at you, because if you did, you probably would have stared back at me and our eyes would then lock with each other and you would have seen me melt and disintegrate into the most miniscule of pieces. It would have been embarrassment and elation all at once. Like fire and ice in a seamless dance.

The cosmos must have been conspiring for me as our team won overall first-runner up in the whole sportsfest. When our team leaders made us vote among several options as to how to spend up our cash prize, I was really hoping that the “group dinner” or “group movie date” will prevail. It meant I get to see you again. It meant I get to be with you again.

Meanwhile, as the weeks slowly dragged on, I found myself… well, stalking on you. Not really stalking. I mean, there was really not much to stalk in the first place since you kept your FB profile private. It seemed you didn’t have IG and Twitter account too so the least obvious thing I could do then was to add you in Lync. Hahaha. But what was there to stalk in Lync? Well, it was there where I discovered we have SIMILAR SIGN-OFF! Holly molly! This must really be fate teasing me!

And to add the cherry on top of the cake, you even added me up on Facebook not long after! I swear it was the third best feeling in the world next to passing the board exam and watching an Ed Sheeran concert! Gaaaaaaaah! Stoked as I was, I waited for several days before I accepted your friend request. I still couldn’t believe it! Considering that we only had 2 mutual friends then, were you, in any way, stalking me as well? (I couldn’t help but be swooned over the “assumed” gesture of you taking the time and effort to really search my profile in FB. Gosh, this is feeding my ego big time. Hahaha!)

I now had more valid, easy reasons to reach out to you. We were now friends in FB—I can now like your posts although you rarely post anything. We had the same sign-off—we both find this funny and weird and this eventually became our first topic in our Lync chat and FB chat, to see who the real Alpha is. Haha. We were also attending the same seminar organized by HR—I was stoked again to see your name in the list of attendees. Fate just loves teasing me! And finally, we were both anticipating our Green Team’s “movie date” (apparently, the movie option won the poll).

The movie. Our team decided to watch “Inside Out” in High Street. There were a handful of people I know from the Audit Department who were also in the Green Team so we decided to meet in the office. I was worried about you—since you were from another department and I didn’t know if you had a teammate who was coming along. So instinctively, I messaged you via Lync and asked whether you liked to come along with us to the cinema. You said no at first—you feared you’d be out of place. But after a few of minutes, you changed your mind and then said you’d be coming along. This made me jump a little from my seat, and made my heart skip a beat.

A friend of mine from Audit and I waited for you by the elevator, while the rest of my Audit friends were waiting in the lobby below. You said you had to change clothes first because you didn’t want to go to the cinema in corporate attire. I could have waited for you there as long as I need to, but my friend was already getting annoyed by how long it was taking you to fix yourself. But we waited still.

The cinema in High Street was only a few minutes’ walk away from the office. Which meant we had that entire span of time to talk to each other. You talked about your department and the things you do there while I talked about mine. I was surprised by how talkative you were, and was even more surprised by how comfortable it felt talking to you. If anything, it felt like we’ve known each other for years already. Or was it just me and my wishful thinking?

I remember buying fries and iced tea from Potato Corner while you helped yourself with some Tacos. I introduced you to more of my Audit friends while you simply responded with your nervous smile. I couldn’t help but grin with amusement. You were just so… cute.

As we shuffled our way inside the cinema, I couldn’t help but think who would be sitting next to whom. We chose the row with empty seats that could accommodate me, you, and three other friends of mine. We found just the perfect spot right at the third—or fourth, I couldn’t see clearly through the dark—row from the back. And for some reasons, things started to unfold smoothly from there: we ended up sitting next to each other. 

I wished the movie would not have ended. I wished the fries in my hands would not have emptied so you could still sneak your hand into the Potato Corner fries box I was holding, and so that our hands would touch—even accidentally, even for some infinitesimal segment of time. I wished we didn’t need to leave the cinema—I could have listened tirelessly to your commentaries about the movie no matter how trivial or funny or ironic or judgmental they were, and we could have exchanged opinions on how Pixar nailed it again this time, or how Joy and Sadness and Fear and Anger and Disgust could have changed the story differently. I wished… We could have… 

Now I wish I didn’t leave Deloitte so soon. I could have messaged your more through Lync and we could have attended more seminars together. I could have stolen more glances of you in the pantry during lunch, and we could have locked our eyes more while enjoying Mang Ed’s foods. I could have had the chance to see you again in our Christmas Party, or work with you in the firm’s future outreach programs. Or we could be in the same team again in next year’s sportsfest, and end up sitting next to each other again in the cinema for a new movie. I wish… I could have…

I know this may sound a little creepy but I want you to know that in that very first moment I laid eyes on you—in that gymnasium filled with people hungry to lord over the sportsfest— I instantaneously, undeniably, seriously had this huge crush on you.

And I still do.

The alpha between us,

HJC