I am—well at least I was—that somebody who used to be the center of attraction when I was in high school, surely not because I possess those rare savagely attractive looks, but only because I was then what they called the achiever, and all the other names that might come along with it—the honor student, the studious, the bookworm… always the winner, excellent!
In the same sense, the thought that I used to be the one to be focused on the spotlight has also made me believe that I was exceptional, different from among the others. All was a vivid picture of an ordinary public high school, where ordinary students come and go, and where ordinary teachers just remain for almost the rest of their lives. And at the back of my mind, I certainly knew: I was different.
But soon, a sudden gust of fate might blow everything I used to believe in. I will now be entering college and will be brawling over the hectic and unforgiving routines of a university. I’ll then be wrapped by its school uniform bespeaking that I am a proud Atenista, which will somehow make me appear more scholarly than I thought I had already been. I will soon be poring over the thick textbooks that my subjects would require me and also be scribbling down notes in the conformity of my classes. I will soon be trying myself to be accustomed to commuting from now and then as I pay visit to my town, as well as budgeting my allowance in the wisest way possible.
And the most dreadful of all—yet probably the most exciting and challenging—is that I will also be starting to wear the figure I previously least liked and cared about: the ORDINARY figure. I will soon bear the mask that will identify me as one normal student, not the 'me' who once used to be the achiever, who had gotten used to the fame over the spotlight. I will be under the guise of someone who is not an excellent student, but rather, just under the figure of an ordinary student.
YES! I am fully aware that as soon as I enter the world of college, I’d also have to expect less of myself, because out there lurks a huge heap of students which is definitely as competent—or even more competent—as myself. While I know that this is not a wise and a good option to do, I still believe that the only way for me to get through college is to lower my self-esteem, to wreck my pride and to shatter my confidence in order to be not regretting anything or getting embarrassed in the end.
This might be good for me in the long run. I won’t expect much of myself in such a world where I might be inferior to my colleagues. I won’t dare fight against such strong opponents, for if I do, I know I’ll only end up affirming the fact that I am weak, maybe the weakest. I fear to lose, but I fear more the fact of losing against those whom I already knew are undisputed and unbeatable.
I may be a coward now. But so be it, 'coz I am indeed a coward.
In this new chapter of my life, I am ready—but still afraid—to face what this new twist has in store for me. In college, I won't become the best, and surely cannot be the best. That’s why I’ve decided to wear the ORDINARY STUDENT mask, wherein I will look like just an ordinary student: burdened with pressure, and then eventually defeated by the pressure. I will work on my clearances like an ordinary student, not expecting to maintain my scholarship. I will study my lessons and read my books and still won’t expect to get the highest score.
I will follow the routines of a normal student: school, home, school, home… and yet, I will not expect to be caught by the blinding spotlight and the flashes of praises from the people around me. I will do my best, but I won’t expect to be on the top. There in the prestigious university I will soon attend to, I am not a somebody, I am just the ordinary. And I better get myself up on this piercing truth.
That’s how life would definitely go in college. And as life goes under the sun, I’ll be most comfortable—and most unhappy—to be wearing the ordinary figure. I will just be the normal student--not the best, just the ordinary. =(
